When I was in primary school, it was up to you whether or not to make to your hair. As for me, I love to make my hair but for some reasons, my mother refuse to make my hairs yet she personally made my sisters hair. I wasn’t really happy about it. Each time I raise a conversation around me making my hair, she says, ‘’you are just too picky and difficult to please when it comes to hairstyles and hair making plus your hair texture isn’t too good.
For me as a child, I always felt she didn’t love me especially with the fact that after making my sister’s hair, she’ll add colorful ribbons and hairbands which makes them get special attentions from neighbors, friends and families telling them how beautiful they are while nobody even notices or say anything to me. This happened all through my primaries till around year 7 until one day she called me and said, do you want to me to make your hair? I said yes and she asked again ‘’are you sure and ready’’, I replied with a resounding yes and with excitement!
So we started making the hair and I became very happy again and started feeling loved even though every Sunday evening was always a fight because she never got the hairstyles l was asked to make in school correctly. In fact, at some point she became tired of me that I always chose complicated hairstyles. Every time she complains or nag about my hairstyle, I explain to her that I didn’t chose it that it was chosen by my teacher and that it is compulsory I make it otherwise I will be punished.
At some point, she got tired of me and my hair and decided to pay other professionals to get my hair done. This decision honestly gave me peace.
Now as a child, those times she wasn’t making my hair, I assumed and felt she didn’t love me? Was she meeting my other needs? yes of course, but there was the need to feel special like my sisters, need to be told I’m beautiful, need to be heard and seen that was not being met. To be honest, it was already affecting my self-esteem at that time.
Let’s even assume that for some obvious reasons she was not able to make my hair which may be good intentions, again did her actions align? Did she in anyway sit me down to have a conversation about it and help me understand that my hair is not all there is to beauty. Did she say to me that I’m beautiful in my brain, in my manners, with my writing, with my legs, skin-color and all. Getting me to understand all of these would have met that need and boost my self-esteem even if the whole world is telling my sisters they’re beautiful.
Dear parents, how is your child reacting to your actions or attitude towards them, you might be doing things and thinking is right or maybe doing your very best for your child but how is she interpreting it? Is it affecting her positively or negatively? Remember every child is not the same. Some children may not see it as a big deal while for some, it is a big deal.
Intentional parenting is about meeting your child’s emotional needs, it is about understanding their temperament, their love language, it is about knowing their likes and dislikes. It is about putting their interest first. Is about their happiness and being satisfied. It is about meeting your child’s 3 basic psychological needs. I strongly believed that if she had carried on further not making my hair, it would have led to me being jealous of my sisters, it would have led to comparison, even siblings’ rivalry and other serious issues.
You may be flying your child on a first-class trip all over the world, buying her all the designers, if you like, enroll her in all the extracurricular activities, put her in the best school and make all the sacrifices yet she’s not happy inwardly and satisfied.
I invite you to always let your intentions align with your actions and also, ensure you understand your individual child in other to meet their needs. Let your children know that you love them all equally but differently because of their uniqueness and also let them know that you have special love for each one of them, that you love them for who they are.
