I attended a resilience workshop for children just before Christmas and 95% of the questions asked by parents were about their children not making friends, their child(ren) not having friends, their children’s friends not playing with them and many more and also coupled with the fact that I get asked these questions quite often by parents.
So, let’s first address the meaning of the word friendship. What is friendship? It simply means a relationship a child has with another child or groups of children. For friendship to happen, there are certain things that need to take place such as making one another laugh, listening to one another, sharing with one another, playing with one another and even caring for one another.
The first thing you need to ask yourself is does my child know what friendship is actually all about? Helping your child understand what friendship is all about may help your child a great deal. Also, does your child know the WHYs for making friendship? The truth is a child who knows the why for anything is better than the child who knows the how. So, teach your child why he needs to make friends.
Sometimes your child may not even know how to initiate or introduce himself. It could be that he doesn’t know what to say and how to say it. It might sound so easy to you as parents but to your child, it is not so, you have to teach them. Teach them the skills for example, ‘’ hello, my name is John, what’s your name? Can we play together? Also let them know that everyone may not like them or want to be their friends. Teach them that it is still ok for someone to turn them down when asked to be their friend.
Again, sometimes why your child is not making friends is because of his attitude. No one wants to be with a bully or someone who hurts them or says bad words to them. So, helping your child work on his behaviours will help him become a better person and will make other children want to his friend.
Another thing you should be mindful of as a parent is, are you a friendly person yourself? do you have friends other than your family members? how well do you interact with people? Have you ever said hello to people you’re not familiar with, have you ever started a conversation with unfamiliar people? Your children are literally watching you and they’re going to be just the same as you in terms of making friendship. Be friendly yourself so your child can naturally learn from you.
Sometimes, your child knows the exact things to say but lacks the confidence which can prevent your child from making or keeping friends, so, building connections, and even role playing it can boost your child’s confidence to make friends.
Another thing is sometimes, your child is just taking his time especially if he’s the type that does not warm up easily. He’s trying to observe his environment, ensuring that is safe before gradually coming out of his shell and most of the times, these set of children, once the feel comfortable in an environment, tend to be every one’s favorites’.
Another reason why your child isn’t making friend is because of the too much pressure you’re putting on him. Remember children are not like adults who work under pressure. The moment you start pressurizing your child about friendship the more difficult it will be for your child to make friends. Parents tends to do this say for example, they’ve just gone to pick their child from school, the first thing they ask when they see their child is ‘’ did you play with anyone today’’? who did you play with? Why are you still not making friends? These are the kind of questions children find difficult to answer because they do not really have answers to them so asking them will just mean, ‘’ what’s she talking about’’
Dear intentional parents, I invite you to help your child understand the true meaning of friendship and the “whys” behind it because whether we like it or not, we all need one another to survive. This will also, help to satisfy your child’s need for relatedness that is, the need to be valued, heard, seen and respected which will also boost their confidence.
