A concerned mother raised this as a question at a mentoring session yesterday.
In her words, “Everyone around me feels it is weird to have my me-time. I’m a mother of four children, the last being a set of twins. Most times, I feel overwhelmed with everything; I wish I could just have me-time but people around me seem not to understand.”
The fact that she was able to identify and express her concerns is a big win as sometimes parents are not able to figure this out. A parent said to me, “Dumebi, I feel tired all the time.” In my heart, I thought: your tiredness is not far-fetched when you have three toddlers to care for.
Dear intentional parent, I feel what you’re going through. I have been there. Sadly, this is what most mothers go through. Parenting burnout is real and must be given attention before mothers lose it on their parenting journeys. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that parenting stress is part of our parenting journey; however, it can still be managed to get the best result in parenting.
This is why I often say in schoolofparenting.co.uk, parenting is first about YOU, before your child. Looking after yourself, being in the right frame of mind, being physically able are factors that will positively affect your wellbeing which in turn, will also impact your parenting.
Notwithstanding, we must understand that as a parent, we have different seasons of life. At this point in your life, your children are solely dependent on you for literally everything. It is also the stage of training: the stage of inculcating your family values, vision, characters, morals and skills. It is a very crucial stage that should not be taken with levity.
Therefore, it is a balancing act. Take advantage of the power of effective communication: have a conversation with your partner and let him understand your needs, tell him how you’re feeling at the moment, tell him about the effect of not having a me-time on you and tell him the benefits that will extend to the family.
Dear mother, you must learn to express your feelings to your partner. You see, men don’t read minds and don’t understand women’s biological wiring: meaning if you don’t tell them, they will not know. Tell him that because of the children’s age-range (which is at the more physically challenging stage of parenting) that even if it is just one day off or a couple of hours, it will help you feel better, and that you need him or another trusted adult to step up for that moment.
Again, having me-time doesn’t necessarily mean you must be out of your home. Have you thought of having me-time when your children are in bed? or having a nap, instead of quickly tidying or cooking or doing anything domestic, you can choose to use it as me-time. Do what you love, what makes you happy. Say for example, you can play music, read a book, have some time to pray, or even call a friend to have a hearty conversation: you can just relax as the luxury of travel is not always an option.
Also remember, you are not responsible for people around you that see your me-time as weird. This is where emotional intelligence comes to play.
Me-time is very essential if we must have effective parenting; this is also why parenting on the same page is important. Every parent, be it mother or father needs a me-time even children too need one; no wonder sometimes you see them all by themselves doing what they want. It helps you feel refreshed, it helps you think of what is working and what is not working in your parenting and family as a whole, and it also helps you have a reflection of your personal life.
Parenting aside, every individual is called to fulfil their God given purpose on earth. You had a life before your children and it shouldn’t pause because of your children: put systems that work into place to help create balance.
