This post is coming from the feedback I got from one of the intentional parents who attended the event at winners’ church Bournemouth on the 24th of march 2024 where I was one of the Guest speakers.
“Thank you so much Dumebi for your teaching on emotional intelligence. My son has problems dealing with his emotions, he gets angry so effortlessly and he hits up. Ever since, I have done all I can to let him know that it’s not a good attribute and make him understand the consequences of aggression, seeking to permit him understand that it isn’t excellent behaviour that he ought to forestall it however he wouldn’t listen, in reality, the more I try to correct him, the more he displays his anger everywhere he goes. The Dad and I have lost control of our emotions on him quite regularly and afterwards, we emerge as regretting our actions, since after your teaching on emotional intelligence, not handiest do we recognize our feelings, we now know what we feel and why we do, and we’re supporting our youngsters to do the same. My six year old son now knows what he feels at every moment. Just the previous day, he was upset and was about to hit his sister, He already raised his hand after which suddenly realized he was on a journey of managing his emotions, he then just walked away. Your teaching helped me recognize it and I applauded him for his good manners.”
For the benefit of those who missed it, part of what I addressed was, as parent we need to be emotionally intelligent.
What then is emotional intelligence?
Emotional intelligence: it simply refers to the ability for you as a parent to understand and manage your emotions and that of your child effectively. It is understating what you feel and why you feel the way you feel. I feel cold, sad, excited, hungry, frustrated, pressured, angry etc. It also means why do I feel the way I feel? Say for example, I feel hungry, why? because I have not eaten all day. I feel cold, why? Because I went out without my coat. I feel pressured, why? Because I haven’t completed my workload from the office and my deadline is tomorrow.
Same is applicable to your child. Your child should be able to say to you; mummy or daddy I feel excited because is my swimming lesson tomorrow and I’m going to see my friends, I feel frustrated because I have been trying to do my maths assignment, but I have not been able to complete it and its school tomorrow, how are you feeling darling? I feel sad Because you turned the TV off.
Knowing what you or a child feel and understanding the “why” makes your feelings valid and helps to gain mastery of it. It also means you understand your child’s behaviour if they’re expected behaviour or not which in turns helps you to calmly manage them. E.g. your 1-year-old child opening all the draws and throwing all the clothes and everything out is an expected behaviour. That you ask your 3-5-years-old child to get you a glass of water and the next thing she says is WHY? Or asking you all the questions in the world is also an expected behaviour which in turn helps have control of your emotions instead of getting irritated.
It is also about you understanding your temperament, environment and how you were raised. The truth is, we’re all products of who raised us, how we were raised, what they know, the environment we were raised. The thing is our emotions influence our behaviors and if we manage our emotions appropriately, it helps our actions to align with our intentions.
See Hannah in the bible 1sam.1-27. Despite all Peninnah did to her, the bible did not record her fighting physically or verbally because she was in control of her emotions. When you understand your emotions, you’re able to regulate it then model it because your children are watching you so model a healthy emotional regulation to your child.
