A dad asked during a speaking engagement, “How do I handle a child that gets involved in adult discussions and wants to always be around my visitors. I want her to be bold and confident, but what do I do?”
It is important to note that the environment is only one factor in a child being confident. Confidence depends on the care giver and the care giver’s knowledge. We all want to raise confident children; to give our children the freedom to express themselves (without shutting them off). However, intentional parenting is also about being firm (as well as warm). Firm means setting rules, principles and boundaries; it is essential, and remember you are in charge.
A child interrupting or wanting to be involved in adult conversation is most likely seeking attention. So, in this case, I advise before the visitor comes (preferably a day before) to inform your child/children, if possible, by saying things like: “Hey, darling, my friend is coming to visit, and I would like you to be upstairs. Would you like to say hello to him before going upstairs? It is your choice.” Your child is likely going to say yes.
Secondly, keep reminding your child on the day of your friend’s arrival up to their entrance. When your friend eventually arrives, remember to offer them the option to say hello by asking, “Janny, my friend is here now; would you like to say hello before going upstairs? It is your choice, you decide.”
Note, prior to when your friend arrives, it is important to set an activity that they can be engaged in while you are with your friend. You can give them options to what they would like to do—this satisfies their need for autonomy and competence.
Also, bear in mind that a child will always be a child; they might push boundaries by coming around or not wanting to leave. This is where most parents might miss it—they get irritated. The better approach: when your child comes around, be calm (at the same time firm) and look straight into your child’s eyes and say, “Janny, I understand you like to stay with Daddy, or you miss Daddy; I miss you too. My friend is only staying for an hour, and as soon as he leaves, I will have a special time with you.” Then, take the child back upstairs. As long as she keeps coming, you keep redirecting her by being firm at the same time warm. Overtime she will understand and get used to it.
Last Saturday, while I was having a conversation with a visitor (even though I had told my daughter about my visitor and she had chosen the activity she wanted) in less than five minutes, my daughter came in, and I said, “Oma, are you ok?”
She said, “Yes, Mummy, I love you.”
I said, “I love you too.” She left.
Dear parents, it is important to understand that these are age-appropriate behaviour, and this knowledge will help us better manage our child/children even when it is challenging. Use these skills: consistency, patience, empathy and firmness.
