This question was asked in one of my meetings with parents over the weekend. When it comes to phones, children generally irrespective of their age want to be with a phone. For younger children even though they don’t know how to use it, they just want to have a hold of it and just use their finger to navigate their way to YouTube or video app. While for older children, is to play games, others is to chat with friends, some, is for any form of learning. This reminds me of a 4-years-old I met recently. From the time I stepped into their house till when I was about to leave, this child was on his parents’ phone. He didn’t even notice me.
At one point I walked up to him and said, “I see you’re very busy with what you’re watching, can you tell me about it”? He told me about all the characters. She accidentally pressed another button and what he was watching disappeared. He immediately went to the YouTube app, clicked on it, boom! He turned back to what he was watching. I said, “so you know how to access YouTube” and the parent proudly says he’s been doing it for a long time, even the TV, she turns it on.”
It’s one thing to worry about your child, it’s another thing to be able to identify the root cause and usually, the cause of a child spending hours on the phone is boredom. Funny enough, some parents make the mistake of giving their children’s phone just so they’re not bored. Sometimes they feel guilty that their child is bored, which means I’m not doing enough without realizing that boredom is normal for a child and for self-discovery. Remember that boredom for a child is the first stage of creativity. A child can think differently when bored. So instead of rushing to find a solution, respond by helping your child learn to think about what to do when bored.
Also, engage your child in the activities they enjoy doing. For some children, it’s playing soccer in the garden, others colouring or drawing, others singing or dancing, cooking, skating, planting, role-plays, etc. Help your child by saying: “would you like questions” instead of giving them the phone.
Another thing you need to understand as a parent is to note what specific times your child uses the phone and for how long? I remember parents telling me during workshop: “Oh, I give my child a phone or screen when I’m cooking in the kitchen so he doesn’t disturb me,” another said when I’m busy with office work especially when I have deadline. Others says “when I’m driving and my child is alone in the back, I give her my phone or tablet”. So, I suggest you talk to your child about traffic, anything you see on the road, talk about what you’re cooking, I understand this might make you spend more time, but again, engaging them is exactly how they’ll learn. The important thing here is that you change this habit by observing the amount of time they are busy on their phones and engaging them with something different.
The next step is to support your child and remember that you are the most important person in your child’s life, so being intentional about how you do things will also help. So, when you see your child spending hours on the phone, this is not the time to raise your voice, threaten, criticize, or bribe them. Your child needs your support and remember that sometimes you do the same thing and your child sees you. So, support your child by connecting with him. To do this, tell them about your special moment of your day, ask them about theirs too because the more you establish a connection with your child, the more your child will want to spend more time with you, which will reduce their phone usage.
As a parent, it is important to have a conversation with your child about phone. Say things like “I noticed you’re always on the phone, why do you do that?” Try to understand their point of view and remember that the way they see thing is different from yours. Show empathy when needed and use it as a teaching moment to explain to them the importance of physical, social, and academic interactions.
The truth is when it comes to this kind of problem-solving; It’s your problem as a parent to deal with this, not your child’s. Remember that you are in charge too, not your child. Part of your responsibility is to set rules and limits. Do this by letting your child know when and how long they are allowed phone. Also state it clear that all phone during dinner, time with friends, family, or visits from family members go in the basket.
Dear intentional parents, it is not a mistake that your child needs you because you are full of wisdom and that is what your child needs not information because there’s information everywhere.
