Every parent-child bond is built on communication and fostering a strong family supportive communication channel can become a matter of concern as there exist a lot of complexities in parent-child relationships.
Ever wondered why a lot of children do not discuss their problems with their parents? If you are a parent or would become one someday this should be an issue of concern to you.
Guess what? A lot of times these children will rather open up to strangers, their teachers at school or church.
On the other hand, its funny parent believes that they’re a safe place for their children to talk about anything.
In fact, you’ll hear them say to their child, “darling, we’re friends, you can talk to me about anything any time, remember I love you and have your best interest at heart” but the big question is, do you really show them beyond telling them? Because the keyword is SHOW not TELL. Knowing the reasons why your children find it tough to open up is the first step to embracing the solution.
So, let’s dive in to the part of this content where together we will examine the reasons your child does not talk to you about their problems.
- “MUM AND DAD WILL NOT UNDERSTAND”
That is exactly how they feel. 70% of times when children open up to me about their struggles, I always ask one question first, ‘’is there anyone you can talk to about this at home? The response usually comes with a big “NO”. Followed by different other phrases which includes, “They won’t understand”, “My mum will be disappointed in me”, They will not listen, My Dad will be very mad at me, my parents will kick me out of the house. On one occasion, a child said; my both parents are busy; the list is endless.
Truthfully, my heart bleeds, because I understand how not having who to talk to can be a more challenging issue than the problem itself. This brings the question of WHEN. ‘’when did your child stop feeling comfortable talking to you about their fears? When did they start feeling comfortable opening up to strangers about their struggles, instead of you as their parent? when did your parents-child relationship melt down?
Firstly, know that this does not connote bad parenting or that you don’t love your child. In fact, the reverse is the case here. Secondly, the problem always starts from early childhood years, a lot of children grow up to believe and feel that their parent love for them is conditional. This is felt in little things, the love they receive when they’re well behaved, when they get all the medals from their extracurricular activities, when they get all the As in all their subjects and how it’s a different reaction when they wake up one Saturday morning to say: “mum, “I don’t want to go to school any more”, “I don’t want to go for my dancing class anymore” or on days when they get into trouble at school.
Parent’s good intentions to raise a child that will thrive had caused them to use punishment instead of discipline, made them disconnect instead of connecting, showed zero empathy instead of empathizing. All of these they termed “better approaches” to their parenting journey.
- THE UN-SHATTERED PERFECT PARENT MYTH:
Dear Parent,
Never paint the picture of a perfect parent to your child. Children do not need a perfect parent; they need real parents. Show me a man without flaws, I believe there’s none. This shows that as humans, it is our nature to make mistakes so there’s no perfect parent or child on earth. Your child will not come to you when they sense any form of perfection in your parenting approach.
Here are a few ways you can scatter the perfect parent myth from your child’s mindset.
-Relatability: Always use your real-life experiences as a teaching tool to relate to your child’s struggles or shortcomings. Doing this will make them start seeing you the parents as infallible and the fear of sharing their own struggles or being judged rolls away gradually.
-Admit your flaws: A lot of parents never admit to be wrong and never apologize, this is the problem. When you make a mistake, admit that you have done so instead of trying to defend yourself, apologize where necessary.
-Right reactions: How do you react to your child’s negative behaviour? Often times, your reaction confirms and builds up their fears. It does not mean you’ll not be disappointed, angry or should not implore disciplinary measures. It simply means that as a co-sinner, you should show compassion instead of total condemnation.
- YOU ARE QUICK TO SOLVE NOT LISTEN:
It is not your role to solve your child’s problem, instead your role is to help them learn how to solve their own problems. Your children will find it uneasy talking to you if all you do is jump in and solve their problem. Learn to listen, hear their point of view first. You want to be the hero by solving their problems but for them, it is a disservice to them. Empower them to become heroes themselves.
Here is a parent-child pledge for you, whether you currently have one or will sometime, join me as we pledge together to do better, now we know better. As you repeat this pledge with me, I want you to mean every word you say.
Dear child,
I will support you when you make a mistake…
When you get hurt emotionally or physically, I’ll empathize…
I will be here to listen to you when you need someone to talk to…
I am not a perfect parent but I promise to be real parent to you….
And whatever happens, good or bad, I’ll love you and love you love unconditionally…
This is my pledge to you, my child.
