Minor complaints and issues like, “ I had it first, it is mine, he pushed me, I got an F in maths, my friends didn’t play with me today, but I wanted that crips, I don’t want to watch Peppa pig, I can’t do my homework, I don’t want my teacher to be sad with me, see what you made me do or I went to my doctor’s appointment late because of you, you made us go late to school, are encountered challenges children go through on daily basis and this is a normal and inevitable experience they will face in their childhood.
As parents or caregivers, what is our first reaction?
Blame or threaten? We unconsciously do this without even realizing we’re doing it and the reason is simply because we’re a product of who raised us, how we were raised, and the environment we were raised.
As a child, our parents threatened us. They blamed us for everything without minding whether it was our fault or not. They pass it to us; we’re passing it to our children then it becomes generational.
Let’s see the meaning of blame and threat and how it shows in our everyday lives.
BLAME
The blame here is parents holding their children responsible for their shortcomings. This manifests in different ways. For example, if your child doesn’t do well at school, the first thing you say is, “What do you expect when all you do is play, play, play? That’s all you know, nothing else”. Or your child broke your glass cup, and immediately, you say, “That’s because you were not consecrating, you see your life, you’re very careless, carry on”. Let’s also say your child and her friend are playing and your child spoils the other child’s toy, you rush out and say, “You’re too rough and careless, I have always warned you about this” ……. and the list goes on.
Have you ever wondered why blaming a child does not correct the child’s negative behavior or solve the problem? It does not meet a child’s need for control and decision-making. This also takes responsibility away from a child and conditions the child wrongly.
Above all, it affects your child’s self-esteem. This is not what we want for our child right? Every child deserves to be respected, and given the opportunities to develop life skills in an environment of warmth and firmness.
THREAT
We all have threatened our children at some point in our parenting. What does threat mean? Well, it is a form of statement parents use when they want their children to behave in a certain way. This they do by putting FEAR of consequences to get their children to meet their behavioral expectations. Many times, parents see it as an effective parenting approach as it gets children to comply with rules or meet expected behaviors.
You’ll hear parents say things like, “You lost your bike? A bike that I bought for you just 2 weeks ago? Well, that’s the end of bike for you now, if you don’t put your toys away, you’re not going to have them next week, or if we don’t leave the park now, you’re not going to come with me next week or if you don’t brush your teeth now, you’re not going to have your TV, If you don’t join in at gymnastic class today, I will not give you chocolate, if you don’t get back home at 7 pm, you’ll not be allowed to go out next time, if you don’t put that phone down now, I’m going to take it from you and seize it, if you don’t follow me now, I will leave you”.
The thing about the threat is that most of the time we use it for our children, we do not follow through like when we say I’ll leave you behind, how many parents have you seen leave their child behind?
Again, doing this, over time your child/children will not trust you and whenever you use such, in their head they’ll be thinking after all mum, dad always say they’ll leave me but they never do so. You’ll agree with me that a healthy parent-child relationship is first built on trust.
So, if you want your child to trust you, say no to threats and if you find yourself caught up in it, by all means, carry out the action you promised.
Finally, let me say this to you.
Dear intentional parents, I know that growing up as a child, we heard many threats from our parents that didn’t make us happy then, right? Imagine your child hearing the same from you or hearing it in another form, your child will feel the same and we don’t want it to become generational right?
Thinking through our words or thoughts before speaking will help us use the right words per time when our children come to us with problems. Doing this will help us understand how best we can help them learn how to solve their problems. Remember that mistakes are learning opportunities for our children.
