Many parents find themselves trapped in a cycle of raised voices, convinced that their behavior is inevitable, inherited from previous generations.
But is it really? Is yelling a predetermined fate, or can we break free from this harmful pattern?
Quite often, I hear parents say: “Oh! I can’t stop yelling. I can’t help it, my children know me—that’s who I am. After all, my parents yelled at me, and I got it from them.”
“My children make me yell. They don’t listen, and that’s the only way to get them to do what I’ve asked them to do.”
The sad thing is, they sometimes brag about it. Whenever I hear this, I ask myself: just because you’re a yeller and it was passed down from your parents, does that mean you can’t change? Is yelling at your child, consciously or unconsciously, right? Don’t get me wrong; I understand that that’s who you are, and at least you’re acknowledging that you’re a yeller.
But let’s break this down
- “I Can’t Help It” You claim you can’t help it because your parents yelled at you, right? By saying this, you’re essentially telling yourself you’re not ready to change or do anything to help yourself change. For me, this is a fixed mindset. Instead of saying “I can’t help it,” I’d encourage you to ask yourself: “How do I help myself? What skills do I need to learn? What knowledge do I require to change my belief?”
2. “My Children Make Me Yell” You claim your children make you yell, implying you wouldn’t yell if your children weren’t involved. Again, this suggests that whenever you yell, it’s because your children made you do so. Dear intentional parents, let me burst your bubbles by letting you know that: your children did not make you yell. It was your decision to yell. You chose to yell because you wanted to satisfy your need for control. You yelled because you wanted your children to know that you’re in charge and they must do as they’re told.
3. “That’s Who I Am, a Yeller” Some of us believe that yelling is the only way to get our children to cooperate. This belief means you’re becoming a replica of your parents, who learned it from their parents, and now you’re unconsciously passing it to your children, making it generational. Dear parents, I believe this is not what you want for your children, right? It’s one thing to have the negative behavior of yelling, it’s another to be aware and ask, “I’m a yeller; how do I help myself to stop yelling?” Doing this will genuinely change your belief about yelling and yelling at your children.
4. Breaking the Habit I understand that repeatedly yelling at your children has formed a habit, and habits can be very difficult to change also, it takes time. But I’d encourage you to be patient with yourself and tell yourself that it’s achievable.
Dear intentional parents, the journey to changing a yelling habit begins with self-awareness and a desire to change. It involves seeking the necessary skills and knowledge, understanding that yelling is a choice, and being patient and kind to yourself as you work towards a more positive and effective way of communicating with your children.
