Parenting is often a journey filled with surprises, joys, and, yes, challenges. One of the trickiest aspects can be handling your child’s behaviour, especially when they exhibit negatives.
It’s easy to feel overwhelmed or unsure of the best approach, but sometimes the solution lies in understanding the intentions behind these behaviours.
Let me share a personal experience that highlighted this for me, a moment that many parents might find all too familiar: the classic scenario where the phone rings, and suddenly, your little one decides it’s the perfect time to demand your undivided attention.
Has it ever happened to you that the minute you’re on the phone, that’s when your child wants to talk to you? This was exactly my reality yesterday. Just when I was in the middle of a phone conversation with a friend, my son started pulling at me, saying, “Mummy, I want to talk to you. Mummy, listen to me, I’m talking to you.” I burst into laughter when he said, “Mummy, you’re not listening.” It cracked me up, to be honest.
The truth is, the child I’m talking about here is only 3-years-old. Meaning his behaviour was expected, even though it was a negative one. At the same time, it was unintentional on his part.
I could have said, “Golden, you need to listen to me; I’m on the phone,” or screamed at him to keep quiet, taken him out of sight, shut the door, turned my back on him, or ignored him completely. But no, I didn’t do any of that. I understand that if I did, for example, if I said, “Golden, keep quiet or stop,” do you think he would stop? No, he would not. Also, it would not lead to positive behaviour either.
Again, I understand that whatever negative behaviour he’s exhibiting is attention-seeking because children will do anything to get attention. So, imagine if I said to him, “Stop, I’m on the phone,” what do you think would happen? In his head, he’d think, “Yes! I’ve gotten what I want now.” This is not what I want; I don’t want to reinforce his negative behaviour by reacting negatively.
What did I do instead? I ignored his behaviour. I asked the person I was on the phone with to give me a few minutes, then turned to him and said, “Are you okay? What do you want?” He said, “Can you draw my fingers or palm for me?” I said, “Yes, I’ve only got a few more minutes, and my phone conversation will be finished. Then we can both draw your special fingers. Is that okay?” While I was talking to him, I used my other hand to rub his head, so he felt connected to me. I also said to him, “Can you get all the pencil colours you want and some paper, so that once I finish, we can have our special colouring time together.”
I knew it would take him a little time to gather the pencils and paper, which would give me enough time to finish my phone conversation, and that was it—no drama whatsoever.
I know someone might ask, “What happens if the behaviour involves hitting or fighting? Should I still ignore my child?” No, please don’t. All I’m saying is, if the behaviour allows you to ignore it, please, by all means, do so.
Turning Negative Behaviour into Positive Ones
As parents, our role is not only to focus on our child’s negative behaviour but also to guide them towards positive behaviour.
Positive Reinforcement
Recognize and reward positive behaviour whenever possible. This could be through verbal praise, stickers, or even a special activity. For instance, if your child waits patiently while you finish a call, acknowledge their good behaviour with kind words or a small reward and with this example
“Hey JOHN, thank you for waiting patiently while I finished my phone call.” Keep it up.
Clear Communication
Explain why certain behaviours are not acceptable and what the expected behaviour is. Use simple language that your child can understand. For example, explain why it’s important to wait for a turn to speak.
Set Consistent Boundaries
Establish clear and consistent rules about behaviour. Make sure your child knows the consequences of not following these rules. This helps them understand the expectations and the structure within which they can express themselves.
Model Appropriate Behaviour
Children learn a lot by observing their parents. Model the behaviour you want to see in your child, such as speaking calmly, listening attentively, and handling frustrations in a constructive manner.
Encourage Independence
Give your child opportunities to make choices and take responsibility for their actions. This can build their confidence and help them understand the consequences of their behaviour.
Teach Problem-Solving Skills
When conflicts arise, guide your child in finding solutions rather than simply telling them what to do. This encourages critical thinking and helps them learn to resolve issues independently. |
Focus on Empathy and Understanding
Teach your child to consider the feelings of others. For instance, if they interrupt you on the phone, explain how it affects you and the person you are speaking with.
Provide Attention for Positive Behaviour
Sometimes children act out because they seek attention. Ensure you give your child attention for positive actions, so they understand that positive behaviour is a better way to get your attention.
Dear parents, when it comes to negative behaviours in a child, it’s important for us to first understand if it’s intentional or unintentional.
Understanding these differences will help you know how best to handle them; otherwise, the behaviour will keep happening again and again.
Also, remember that your role as a parent is to prevent these negative behaviours from happening in the first place, know how to manage them, and help your child learn how to behave in a better way.
