Being a parent can feel like a balancing act. We all want to guide our children with love and support, but being assertive can be tricky. If we’re too soft, our kids might not take us seriously; if we’re too strict, we might seem too harsh.
Finding that sweet spot between the two is crucial, but it’s not always easy, especially when we just want to keep the peace. I’ve been there, learning the hard way that sometimes, standing up for your child is more important than avoiding an uncomfortable situation.
One of the things I struggled with the moment I became intentional in my parenting was assertiveness. I remember taking my daughter out for a playdate with her friend. It so happened that her friend had an older brother who was 5 years old, while my daughter and her friend were just 2 years old. My daughter brought along a soft toy that caught the attention of her friend and the brother. Although my daughter wasn’t willing to let them touch it, she also didn’t want to share.
Her friend’s brother grabbed the toy from her and ran away, making my daughter cry. At that point, I didn’t have the personal power to go after the child and get the toy back for my daughter because I didn’t want his mum to feel bad. All I was thinking was, “He’s just a child, and he’s playing,” without considering my daughter’s feelings. I’m honestly not proud of sharing this, and I can’t remember how many times I apologized to my daughter for not standing up for her as a mother. Anyway, I know better now.
I know assertiveness is a big issue for many parents, as they’re not able to communicate with their children in an open and respectful way. But here’s the thing, assertiveness isn’t about being the loudest or the strictest; it’s about being clear, confident, and compassionate. It’s about setting boundaries without guilt and standing firm in your role as a parent.
Remember, the key to assertiveness is patience.
Today, I’ll share 6 tips on being assertive as a parent.
- Use Instructions Instead of Questions:
All I would have said to the child was, “Danny, I need the toy. Thank you.” Calling his name helps get his attention, and saying “thank you” assumes compliance. By all means, I should avoid using questions if I’m not giving him a choice, as well as phrases like “Will you?” or “Can you?” because there’s a good chance, he’ll say no to me.
2. Use Praise:
I could have said to him, “Danny, I can see you really like the soft toy. Well done for taking good care of it.” Saying this would make him feel important and successful. It would also reinforce the behavior I want and make my praise meaningful.
3. Be Positive:
What I should have done was ask for the behavior I wanted to see in him instead of talking about what I didn’t want to see. So, instead of saying, “No snatching of toys, Danny, no running, stop making Oma cry,” I could have said, “We give people back their toys.” I would also try to avoid lengthy conversations about his negative behaviors because it can lead to him feeling guilty, distressed, and confused. Remember, children are not able to think clearly when they’re distressed.
4. Give Warnings:
This is actually useful if he didn’t comply with me. I could use a timer on my phone to say, “Danny, I’m going to give you 5 minutes to have the toy, and afterward, I’ll give it back to Oma (my daughter).”
5. Use ‘When’ And ‘Then’:
I could also use ‘when’ and ‘then’ to make what’s going to happen clear. For example, I could say, “When you give me the toy, then we can all have special playtime together.” It’s important to keep my promise, otherwise, he won’t trust me again.
6. Simplify Instructions:
Since children find it difficult to process a sequence of instructions, I’d only give him one instruction at a time. Instead of saying, “Give me the toy now so I can give it to Oma, then we can play together and afterward have snacks before we go home,” I’d break it down and say just one thing at a time, especially when I’m sure he’s able to understand.
Dear parents, your child will feel unsafe when they’re confused. For your child to feel safe, they need to know that you, as their parent, are in charge, not them. This will help them feel less overwhelmed by the need to control themselves.
So the next time you find yourself in a tough situation, remember: You’re not just a parent; you’re the calm in the storm, the guide in the wilderness. Stand firm, speak clearly, and trust that your love, backed by assertiveness, will lead the way. After all, raising confident and respectful children starts with being a confident and respectful parent. You’ve got this!
