Parenting is a journey filled with highs and lows, joys and challenges, and the endless quest to nurture and guide your child.
At times, it can feel overwhelming, but imagine having a few key skills to make this journey smoother and more rewarding. Imagine transforming everyday struggles into opportunities for learning and connection.
What if you could transform daily struggles into opportunities for connection and learning?
Today, we’ll explore three essential skills that can help you become a more effective and loving parent. These skills will not only improve your relationship with your child but also enrich your parenting journey.
1. Emotional Intelligence.
It simply refers to the ability for you as a parent to understand and manage your emotions and that of your children effectively. It involves understanding what you feel and why you feel that way, whether it’s cold, sad, excited, hungry, frustrated, pressured, or angry.
It helps you understand your child’s behavior, whether it is expected or not, which in turn helps you to calmly manage them. It’s about understanding your temperament, environment, and how you were raised. Our emotions influence our behaviors, and if we manage our emotions appropriately, it helps our actions align with our intentions.
For example, consider the case of parents who physically abuse their children, losing them to social services because they’re not able to manage their emotions. Their emotions are valid, and they have the right to feel the way they do about their child’s behavior. However, reacting instead of responding shows their inability to regulate their emotions. Reacting instead of responding also feeds the child’s negative behavior without realizing that such reactions will not lead to positive behavior. This behaviour will repeat itself over again.
Another thing parents fail to realize is that their child’s negative, challenging behavior is not an emergency. The issue can be addressed later or, if possible, the following day. Doing this gives you the opportunity to put your thoughts together, and it will help both you and your child to calm down in order to have a better conversation and address the issue accordingly.
The major reason parents enter into power struggles with their children is because they want to be in control. This is when you hear them say things like, “How dare you talk to me like that,” and, in the name of wanting the child to suffer or feel the pain, you seek revenge. At the end of the day, you completely lose control of your emotions.
Consider the story of Hannah in the Bible (1 Samuel 1:1-27). She is perfect example of one who was able to regulate her emotions. When you understand your emotions, you’re able to regulate them and model healthy emotional regulation for your children because they are watching you.
Parenting isn’t always about today; it’s about laying the right foundation for their future. By instilling a strong family structure and nurturing healthy relationships, we empower our children to thrive. Let’s dive into how you can build these essential pillars in your home (Family Structure)
2. Family Structure.
What is structure? It encompasses all the things we do in our homes to make our children feel safe and comfortable. Structure helps a child understand what’s coming next, while routines add structure to our homes.
Why is structure important?
- It helps children to understand what to expect, which helps them feel safe and comfortable.
- It teaches children time management skills.
- It helps children builds healthy habits.
- It reduces stress for children.
- It promotes conflict resolution in a home.
Let’s See Four Steps to Creating a Routine:
- Identify a routine
Identify the routine you want for your family, and ensure it aligns with your family’s vision and values. Also, consider the order and timing of activities such as morning routines, bedtime routines, study time/homework, screen time/technology time, playtime, and mealtime. Remember, this routine should work for the entire family, not just your child, and should be agreed upon by all family members.
2. Explain the routine
Ensure your child understands what’s expected of them and when it’s expected. Simple posters can help your child remember what to do.
3. Follow the routine
Your child will push boundaries, and it can be difficult for you as a parent to follow through, especially when you’re tired or stressed. Try to be consistent. Consistency is the key to making your routine meaningful. It will help your child know what you want and do what you ask.
4. Use consequences:
Before using consequences on your child, please ensure they have the knowledge, the skills (i.e., the ability), and the desire to follow the routine. If your child refuses to follow a routine, remind them of the consequence and reward them when they follow the routine for reinforcement.
Please note that rewards do not necessarily have to be monetary or material; by simply saying, “I noticed you came home at the agreed time when you visited your friend, thank you for keeping to time,” or “I noticed you brushed your teeth without anyone reminding you,” you are recognizing and reinforcing good behavior.
Our God’s universe is orderly. That’s why He created everything in an orderly sequence in a six-day span. On the seventh day, He rested. Structure in your parenting will give you peace and rest (see Genesis 1:1-31).
The foundation of successful parenting is a strong, trusting bond with your child. A healthy relationship doesn’t just happen; it’s built through consistent, everyday interactions. Let’s explore how to cultivate this essential connection.
3. Building a Healthy Relationship with Your Child.
The key to parenting is having a healthy relationship with your child. Building trust does not happen overnight, but it is in those little things we do with our children daily. A healthy relationship is built on
- Spending Quality Time
Identify the time you spend with your children at home, e.g., wake-up time, homework time, dinner time, weekends. These times should be spent connecting with your child. It requires you to be physically and emotionally present too.
- Trust
Trust for children is the belief they have in their parent. Trust in a child is built between 0-2 years. It also means you’re able to have open dialogue with your child.
- Respect
Respect your child for who they are. Recognize their unique qualities and celebrate them. Every child is different, so avoid comparisons. Forcing your child to do things they don’t want to do will damage your relationship. Understand the child you have and respect them for who they are. Also, respect is mutual, meaning your child deserves respect, so respect their privacy. This fosters a healthier relationship.
- Open Communication
Give your children the room to express themselves. Whatever they’re saying to you is important to them. Let them express how they feel without you shutting them down.
- Active Listening
How well do you listen to your child even when you feel they’re not making sense? Your child feels heard, valued, and seen when you listen to them without interruption. By doing so, you’re satisfying their need for relatedness. Avoid phone distractions. When your child perceives that you don’t listen to them, especially when they’re young, they may not trust you enough to share things with you when they are older. Be a present parent, not just a parent who is present.
- Show Love and Affection
This is where you use physical touch, words of affirmation, gifts, and acts of service. Speak your child’s love language. Telling your child, “I love you,” can never be said too often, even to your older child. It sends the message that no matter what happens, your child knows that you love them unconditionally.
- Independence
Assign age-appropriate tasks to your child. This meets their need for competence.
- Boundaries, Rules, Structure, and Consequences
A healthy relationship is based on being firm and warm. Let your children know what is and isn’t expected of them, and base it on your family values. They will push boundaries, and this is where warmth comes into play.
- Play, Pray, and Eat Together
It’s all about having fun and helping them experience joy in their childhood. Laugh, smile, sing, and dance together. All of these foster healthier relationships.
- Celebrate Your Child
Celebrate their wins, big or small. Be genuinely happy and see the good in what they do. Celebrate their positive behavior, not just academic achievements.
- Be Patient
Patience is a skill that can be learned. The skills children need to thrive in life takes time to master, and remember, 18 years is a long time for them to learn them. Support and encourage them, and be patient.
Dear parent, there is no intentional parenting without first becoming an emotionally intelligent parent, building a healthy relationship with your child, and establishing structure and routine. Again, parenting is not just about the present, but also the future. What you do with them now is what they’ll take to adulthood.
