Have you ever been in a situation where a child’s relentless need for attention starts to test your patience? Whether it’s during a quiet dinner or an important meeting, managing a child’s attention-seeking behaviour can be challenging.
But what if those moments were more than just interruptions?
How you respond could either reinforce negative behavior or help your child feel secure and valued.
Managing a child’s attention-seeking behavior is not just about redirecting or disciplining them in the moment. It’s about recognizing the deeper needs driving that behavior, whether it’s a desire for connection, affirmation, or simply the reassurance that they matter.
In the following story, I’ll share an experience that perfectly illustrates this concept. It’s a reminder that in the small, everyday interactions with our children, we have the opportunity to either diminish or enrich their emotional development. How we handle their bids for attention can make all the difference in helping them grow into confident, secure individuals who feel truly valued.
Just recently, I was at a family friend’s house for a meeting. We were all seated in their living room, exchanging pleasantries. After our conversation, he informed his daughters, aged 10 and 12, and his 4-and-a-half-year-old son about our upcoming meeting. The living room was connected to the dining room with a see-through curtain. As soon as he and I moved to the dining room, guess what happened? The son followed us. The dad sent him back, but within 40 seconds, he returned.
This time, the dad started laughing, saying, “See this boy. The minute I ask him to stay with his sisters is when he suddenly wants to play with me, cuddle, sit on my lap, and feel connected—all at the same time.” The dad, showing empathy and love, gently took him back, gave him some toys, yet the boy kept coming back. Each time, the dad redirected him without raising his voice, getting irritated, or even smacking him.
You might be wondering why I’m sharing this. Well, I’m sharing this because some parents, in an effort to prove a point to “Dumebi,” the parenting expert, might raise their voice or even smack an innocent child who is merely exhibiting age-appropriate and attention-seeking behaviour. Without realizing it, they might be reinforcing the negative behaviour with their reaction, potentially leading to damaging their child.
Imagine responding this way to a child who is seeking connection or relatedness. You don’t need to react harshly; it’s not a good parenting approach. After all, it’s his dad, not yours.
For me, I recognize that this is typical, intentional, and attention-seeking behavior that can be quite challenging. Am I saying it was wrong for the dad to want privacy? No, not at all, but I believe there’s a better way he could have managed the situation.
He could have first informed him about my visit. He could say something like, “Danny, I’ll be having a meeting for about 20 minutes. It’s an important meeting, and I’d like to give it all my attention. Thank you, Danny, for being patient during my meeting and for giving me space to have it. While I’m in the meeting, you can go upstairs to watch your favourite cartoon, stay with your sisters in the living room and play your game, or you can choose to stay in our corner here and play with your toys. It’s your choice.”
Managing negative attention-seeking behavior in children requires a thoughtful approach that considers both the child’s emotional needs and the parent’s responsibilities. The following three strategies can help you address and manage these behaviors effectively.
- Acknowledge Their Feelings
- When a child seeks attention, it’s often because they want to feel seen and heard. Start by acknowledging their feelings and needs, even if you can’t meet them immediately. For example, “I see that you really want to spend time with me right now. I’ll be with you as soon as I finish this task.”
- Set Clear Boundaries
- It’s important to set clear expectations about when and how they can get your attention. Explain that there are times when you need to focus on something else, but reassure them that they will have your attention afterward. This helps them learn patience and respect for others’ time.
- Provide Positive Attention Regularly
- Make sure to give your child positive attention throughout the day, even when they’re not seeking it. This can be as simple as a hug, a compliment, or spending a few minutes playing with them. When children feel loved and secure, they’re less likely to seek attention in negative ways.
By doing all these, you can help your child develop healthier ways to seek attention, fostering a stronger and more positive relationship.
Dear intentional parent, telling your child that you’re not able to give them your undivided attention is already meeting their need for connection. Doing this will make your child feel, “I’m equally important as the meeting my dad is having.” Your son will feel valued and will see that you didn’t turn your back on him because of your visitor and meeting.
This approach helps prevent negative attention-seeking behaviour by satisfying their need for connection or relatedness. Otherwise, your child may do something negative to satisfy this need. Remember, the goal is to prevent negative behaviour, learn how best to handle it, and help your child learn to behave better.
Don’t forget that your approach to managing attention-seeking behavior not only addresses the immediate issue but also plays a crucial role in shaping your child’s emotional growth and self-esteem.
